I do not want to forget the journey I took to get to this place where I actually desire this deep intimate love relationship with God. When I was a child I knew God loved me and really did not question His presence in my life, similar to most kids who are told, “God loves you”. I held on to that simple faith and it grew stronger, and more personal, and “my own” as I questioned my faith and learned. But there was a time, not long ago, when I appeared to have let go of that faith because it was causing so much pain. I figured that God was big enough to handle my questioning and anger. If He really was a loving God then He would still be that while I was having a hard time believing it and angry and confused. If He really was a loving God then He would not abandon me. I wasn’t leaving Him but I just needed my space and He is really good at giving that when you need it.
There were certain concepts in christianity that really triggered anger and frustration in me while I was in the middle of my healing journey from past abuse. Concepts like “God is in control”, ”be thankful for ALL things because God works all things together for the good of those who love Him”, “God wants to use you”, “we just need to glorify, worship, and praise God in all we do”, and “God commands our obedience”. There were more, but these were the biggest bugaboos. Especially in a more fundamentalist or calvinistic theological church these were foundational teachings. I believed them and at the same time they stirred up great angst within me. I really needed to explore why. I remained within the walls of the church for a few years until I realized that just was not working for me and so I decided to make some space and put up some boundaries to protect myself and heal from the wounds and pain that was being inflicted. Once the stabbing and poking stopped from hearing sermons and songs and christian friends and even reading the Bible and christian books then I was able to look into the cause of the problem. I could write, and think, and ponder what I was really thinking about these concepts deep into my core, conscious that God was aware, but rarely acknowledging Him. At first I felt a little guilty, and sad, and dare not tell most christians what was going on inside, because most of them would just worry and attempt to “save” me and that would just piss me off all the more. I wanted them to just let me do what I believed I needed to do, have a little trust in me, and most of all, have a little trust in God. After some time, I started to feel freer and trust my intuition a little more and gain confidence in my ability to think and legitimately feel my feelings. Of course, I was taught to not trust my “flesh” and so gaining confidence in myself was going against Biblical teaching, in my mind, and I questioned myself at times if I was leading myself astray onto a path of no return. However, my quest was Truth honestly, and God knew that.
The reason those concepts pissed me off so much was because believing and understanding those ideas from my perspective lead me to see God as an evil, vile perpetrator, just like most men I knew. He appeared as a know-it-all, moody, delusional, narcissistic, control freak user who needed his ego stroked constantly, and demanded his own selfish way at my expense. In other words, he seemed to be a real asshole! That may have offended you as you read that, but I really don’t think it offended God, and if it did offend Him then maybe he was a moody asshole. But I doubt it, because it wasn’t until I admitted to myself what I really thought about Him that I started to see God and myself and my situation from a new perspective.
I no longer had to suger-coat my past through the lens of optimism. I felt like I was simply trying to brainwash myself into believing concepts in order to create a happy reality for myself. It was self-cognitive therapy. Think all the right things then all will be well. It felt so meaningless and I really did not want to fork out the energy any longer to keep going in this way. I did not think I was worth the effort and my existence was simply a burden to all. But once I admitted that life sucked sometimes and that it was too confusing and that God was too mysterious to ever figure what His role was in my past, I gave up trying to figure Him out, and figure out the purpose for everything, and just accepted that what is is. I became ok with that.
Then life took a turn. Call it an epiphany, a revelation, enlightenment, or common sense, but suddenly I realized that life really did sucked sometimes and was confusing, but that I did not suck, but instead I was strong, and I may have been confusing to some, but that was their problem because I was simply complex, and not everything that happened has a good purpose, but everything can be used somehow for redemptive purposes. I am thankful for the good that results and for the Source of that good, but I hate evil, just like God hates evil, and I will never be thankful for evil. To be thankful for evil is twisted. Evil always sucks. That is why life sucks sometimes because evil exists in it, but so does good. There would be no such thing as evil if good did not exist. But I think good would always exist even if evil did not exist. But, my epiphany is that evil and good co-exist. My assumption is that God is the source of good, not of evil. Evil came from elsewhere, someone else’s choice, hence the fact that people are not marionettes and God is not pulling our strings. We humans get to choose, God or evil. So much for God being a control freak.
And as far as God being a selfish, moody, narcissistic user needing me to fulfill his emotional needs…it has been humans, especially men who have been that, from my perspective. I have seen too many men act that way. And then they preach about themselves at the pulpit in the Church, not God, and talk that way in their homes, and behave that way at their workplace, coffeeshops, and bedrooms. They would be speaking their truth if they were to say “I am in control of your life”, “Obey me because I know what is good for you, you don’t”, “I will work everything out for you for my good pleasure”, “I am the reason you are put on this earth; to give me pleasure”, and “you should be thanking me for all I do for you.” That is not about God; that is about themselves. After all the evil I have seen, those were the real words I was hearing from men in power.
Am I just a pessimist toward humanity, esp towards men? Nope. I still believe in redemption. I, myself, am proof of that. Through the evil there I stood, hidden firmly in the Good. That is the mystery of grace. It was present even without my acknowledgement. It was around me and within me and it protected me. Surrounded by evil all around, I was preserved and shaped by grace. I was not rescued, not yet. But I was carved into a multifaceted diamond within. This creative God of grace turned out to be my redeemer and maker of love. And that Love made me someone beautiful. My faith in Him is maturing beyond a level of love that is like child-parent now and onto what I believe is like husband-wife. I am on that journey to discover that kind of love, the kind of love God makes within me. Whenever I do settle into His arms completely confident of His perfect accepting love for me, only then will I finally be rescued from the evil all around. Meanwhile, I can look within myself for my Lover’s love and there find the beauty that dwells.
